"In times of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act"
....George Orwell

Keep Calm and Don't Move Your Stops.....

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Life is for the living.

My dad passed yesterday. He was one of my two best friends. His departure has left a gaping hole in my life. One I am not sure how to fill or if it will ever be filled. His departure from this life to the next was peaceful surrounded by the ones that he loved the most and who loved him the most. In the end, this is all we really get to ask for, to be surround by loved ones both during our lives and at the end of our lives.

One thing my dad regretted, he regretted not living to fullest. He spent time wondering what other people thought about him. Not taking some risks he knew he should have taken and taking others that he knew was a poor risk. In the end though, he lived a full and impactful life. He died quite poor in this life in terms of material wealth. But the legacy of love and meaning was more significant than I thought as multitudes of people have poured out their love and memories of him and the impact he had on their lives. Most of that meaning was silent and behind the scenes but it was there.

My dad taught me how to be a man. How to treat a lady and how to be a father. Even after we adopted our only kid at age 38, I went to him for fatherly advice. He will be missed.

As my dad got older, one thing he kept repeating to me was this; "live life, forget about what others think. Don't worry, just live, after all, life is for the living". It's this wisdom from my father that I want to hold onto in the coming days, weeks, months and years. That life is for the living. Don't hold back and don' spend a second in regret.

I have lots to be regretful about. Things I could have done differently or said differently. Those things are in the past and cannot be changed. I have carried a lot of regret and a lot of "what ifs' around for a long time. If my pop was here, he'd tell me again, to just let it go and get on with the business of living. And that's what I'm going to do.

A little Aerosmith for your early morning!

Friday, October 14, 2016


Looooong days! The time is starting to run together and things are getting foggy. Can't seem to remember what day it is, what I have to do today, etc.....I hate these periods of life where everything seems to compress together without any defining boundaries to help define memories. The last time I went through this was with my mom's passing last year. This time its my dad. We're all taking turns pulling 24 hour shifts taking care of him. To be honest, its getting easier. His pain levels have dropped way down and he's slowly making some progress in being less dependent on us for every detail of life. BUT, we are nowhere close to being able to rest. In the meantime, I'm just running on sheer willpower.

Today and the next few days will tell the tale of how severe the chemo side effects are going to be. So far, none have manifested but that can change on a dime. Hopefully he has very few side effects but I'm not overly optimistic about that.

I've been trying to trade on the mornings where I've been able to sleep all night. Trading a single lot I've drawn down 1% over the last week or so. Today I made back some of that so far. The trading morning isn't over just yet so I may get another chance. The trading conditions have not been ideal for me so far or I've been out of sync with life and trading....probably both.

I missed a short at 50.92 this morning and got on board at .74....exited at yesterday's high....should have held it, its still going down. When I'm bored, I sometimes read other peoples journals....that is a mistake. Not doing that again. I happened to read the journal of a pretty successful trader this morning. He was long when I was short. My system said stay short...His said long. I second guessed myself.....not smart. The edge is based on repeatable patterns at key areas....I have no idea what his edge is based on or what his expectancy is.....therefore, it is ridiculously stupid to take someone elses idea and interrupt a perfectly good trade based on something you know nothing about. Never again.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Meat Grinder

This week has been the proverbial emotional meat grinder. Saturday, dad did great. By Sunday night he didn't know who any of us were. Three days of near total confusion. We started thinking about Hospice. Then the pain management doc changed his pain meds. 24 hours later, back to normal. In the meantime, we've moved him into an assisted living facility. Hopefully that works out once he's out of the hospital which looks like today or tomorrow if he stays mentally clear.

The PET scan came back with no further spreading of the cancer. That's a good thing. But now his right foot is swollen and no one knows why. Looking that today.

Yesterday dad told me, "why don't we just eliminate the pain meds so I can be in my right mind. That will speed my chemo treatments up won't it?" They won't do chemo until he is clear headed and out of the hospital so his proposal makes perfect sense except he is in intense pain from the tumor surrounding his sciatic nerve. So we agreed on a compromise. He will take the new pain meds for at least 24 hours and see how he does. If that goes well, we will stay on that and pursue all treatment options. Crazy my dad willing to suffer two or more months of pain to make sure the chemo is done.

Anyway, I have taken two trades this week. Both small losers. Its been a month since I last traded and for some reason, I felt calm but my hands were a bit sweaty on the first trade. Today back to normal in terms of my emotions and physical reactions. I'm not sure trading is the best thing for me to be doing right now but my wife seems to think its therapeutic for me and she might be right.

Sunday we are headed for San Diego for a couple of days if dad is doing well. We have a relative there that is having some surgery and requested our help with a few things for a couple of days and they've been such great friends to my family I can't really say no. Plus I love San Diego!!!! Hopefully spend at least one full day at the beach. The one place that seems to have the best therapeutic effect on my soul. I always feel better when I'm near the ocean. I'd love to buy a place on the water there but the seven figure price tag puts that out of the question any time soon!!!

Until next time.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Ups and Downs

Two days ago I was feeling pretty down. Today things are different. Even though we don't have the results back from the PET scan, Dad is feeling pretty good. He fell and hit his head Tuesday morning and he sustained a minor concussion. Turns out it appears that along with a him reading his dosage wrong on a couple of his meds was contributing to his general sense of malaise. Once we got the meds figured out and the concussion wore off, he's doing much better.

He was discharged from the hospital night before last so he could have his PET scan yesterday morning. Apparently if you are scheduled for cancer treatment, you can't be in a hospital. I have no idea if I got that right or not but they discharged him. I spent the night with him at his house and he began showing good signs of regaining his strength. Yesterday he managed to do most things for himself although it was a long and difficult day, he managed to work through it with a good attitude and commitment to doing what he needed to do to get well. Since he can be a bit pessimistic sometimes, this was encouraging.

Next week is a week of doctor appointments. He sees the cancer doc for the final diagnosis and what his course of treatment will look like and I think he starts chemo next week as well. Not looking forward to that at all but if he gets better at least for a few more years, then I guess its worth it. At this point, we are concerned more about quality of life vs quantity of years.

Regardless of what happens next week, he's moving into an assisted living facility. That will take a huge load off our shoulders and allow them to do all the mundane daily tasks and allow us to focus on just being with my dad and helping him get better. And if its his time to step off this earth, then the remaining time will be easier and we can just be with him instead of spending most of our time worrying about daily tasks and all the other logistical issues you deal with at this time in a persons life. We did this a year ago with my mom and while it went well, it would have been nice to have someone else manage all the day to day tasks and just let us spend the time with mom.

I may or may not trade next week. It looks to be a pressure cooker of a week between dad's doctors, moving him into the assisted living place, school and all the rest so I may just let it go for now until the pressure is off a bit. My wife is encouraging me to trade to help preserve a sense of normalcy in my daily routine and she might be right. Haven't decided yet. I am a creature of routine and when that routine is broken, I tend to get a bit stressed. Not OCD stressed but just out of sorts. I have a hard time focusing on a string of tasks if the first one is broken or out of order. So we will see.

Interesting times to be sure.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

More updates

It's 5:20 AM as I write this. I've been up since 4:30AM. Checked my phone for any messages from my brothers about my dad. He's getting much worse. I suspect he's not going to live much longer. The mass they found is cancer and they think it may have spread very rapidly to the rest of his body. Doing a PET scan today to see how far its spread. My heart is very heavy today because my dad and I have been close for a very long time.

I ditched the MBS fraud case to help take care of my dad and his medical situation a day or so ago. Time seems to be slowing down in some respects and the days are starting to all run together. It's like I'm living in a fog right now....very unpleasant.

I've been watching charts off and on during these last few weeks. I haven't had time to do any real analysis or over thinking. Just take a look now and then and say, "buy or sell" and then on to other things. I've come back to the chart a couple hours later and sure enough, those calls have been mostly winners. Funny how that works. Just go with it and then let it go and it seems to work out. Proves that all the analysis and overthinking and second guessing is just crap. All you need to do to be successful is just have a decent sense of what you want to see, make the trade and leave. It's not rocket science. It may not be science at all, just the probability that one thing will happen before the other thing....profit before stop....

I'm head to the hospital in a couple of hours to see Dad. I have a bad feeling in my gut that I might not have very many more opportunities to tell him I love him and I'm proud of him....so I'm gonna do that today.....and tomorrow if he's still here and the day after that and the day after that.......

Do what's right today.......let the rest go. In life and in trading......